Seven Warning Signs of a Cyberaffair
Unlike spouses who catch their husbands or wives in open adultery, you may only suspect that your loved one is sharing intimate words with another woman or man on a
computer. By evaluating your situation using these warning signs as a guide, you can make more informed choices and act to intervene more swiftly and successfully.
The first issue is to determine if you are dealing with a cyberaffair in your relationship. Due to the extent that people try to conceal a cyberaffair, you may be easily mislead to believe that your spouse is simply using the Internet for work. If you suspect that your spouse or partner has found love on the Internet, ask yourself whether you've seen the following signs in their behavior:
- Change in sleep patterns. Chat rooms and meeting places for cybersex don't heat up until late at night, so on-lineaholics tend to stay up later and later to be part of the action. If your partner suddenly begins coming to bed in the early-morning hours, long after you've turned in, there's a good chance that cyberlove is brewing. Similarly, if he or she sometimes leaps out of bed an hour or two earlier and bolts to the computer, a pre-work e-mail exchange with a new romantic partner may explain things. Or if the cyberlover lives several time zones away, this may be the only time for live computer interaction.
- A demand for privacy. If someone begins cheating on their spouse, whether on-line or in real life, they'll often go to great lengths to hide the truth from their wife or husband. With terminal love, this attempt usually leads to the search for greater privacy and secrecy surrounding their computer usage. Maybe he's moved the computer from the visible den to a secluded corner of his locked study. Perhaps she's changed her password in fear that her husband knew the old one. Or, where he used to share some of what he was doing online and whom he met there, he now cloaks all his activities in secrecy. And when they're on-line, cheating cyberlovers do not want to be disturbed or interrupted - that might lead to getting caught.
- Household chores ignored. When any Internet user increases his time on-line, household chores often go undone. That's not automatically a sign of terminal love, but in a marriage those dirty dishes, piles of laundry, and unmowed lawns might indicate that someone else is competing for the suspected person's attention. In an intimate relationship, sharing chores often is regarded as an integral part of a basic commitment. So when a spouse begins to invest more time and energy on-line and fails to keep up his or her end of the household bargain, it could signal a lesser commitment to the relationship itself - because another relationship has come between you.
- Evidence of lying. Did the credit-card bills for on-line services suggest your wife was spending three times longer on the Net than she claimed? Did your husband swear he was using the Internet only for research for a work project when you know he finished it a week ago? When you walked in the room as your partner was logging off, did she insist she was "just chatting" on-line, when the flushed look on her face and disheveled clothes indicate a different activity? Most Internet addicts lie to protect their on-line habit, but those engaging in terminal love have a higher stake in concealing the truth, which often triggers bigger and bolder lies - including telling you they will quit.
- Personality changes. Cyberwidows often tell me how surprised and confused they were to see how much their partner's moods and behaviors changed since the Internet engulfed them. A once warm and sensitive wife becomes cold and withdrawn. A formerly jovial husband turns quiet and serious. If questioned about these changes in connection with their Internet habit, the spouse engaging in terminal love responds with heated denials, blaming, and rationalization. The cyberwidow is told she's the one with the problem, or it's just no big deal. For a partner once willing to communicate about contentious matters, this could be a smokescreen for a cyberaffair.
- Loss of interest in sex. Some cyberaffairs evolve into phone sex or an actual rendezvous, but cybersex alone often includes mutual masturbation from the confines of each person's computer room. So when your Internet-obsessed spouse suddenly shows a lesser interest in sex with you, it may be an indicator that he or she has found another sexual outlet. If sexual relations continue in your relationship at all, your partner may be less enthusiastic, energetic, and responsive to you and your lovemaking. She could be expending her real passions on a cyberpartner, or her guilt from carrying on a cyberaffair may leave her not wanting to be touched by you.
- Declining investment in your relationship. Those engaging in terminal love no longer want to do fun things or go out together with you - even when their busy Internet schedule allows. They shun those familiar rituals like a shared bath, talking over the dishes after dinner, or renting a video on Saturday night. They don't get as excited about taking vacations together and they avoid talk about long-range plans in the family or relationship. They're having their fun with someone else, and their thoughts of the future revolve around fantasies of running off with their cyberpartner - not building intimacy with you.